Today was rough. At lunch time, one of my classmates overheard me talking to another classmate about what happened at my practicum when one student called another student “such a fag” (see below entry: Of hand vaginas, fish and fags). She turned around to join the conversation and asked why I felt the need to tell that student that I was gay. She said that in personalizing it, I was making it all about me. I told her that I felt my talk with the student would have a greater impact if I positioned myself this way. She suggested that teachers shouldn’t talk about their personal lives with students. To this, I responded that she probably wouldn’t refrain from mentioning her husband to her students or their parents, and is in effect discussing her sexuality, so why can’t I discuss the same aspect of myself? She argued that she wouldn’t mention her “husband”, she would just say “Mark*.” I replied that “Mark” is clearly a men’s name, so its obvious that she is in a heterosexual partnership when she mentions his name. She concluded by saying that she wondered what my agenda is. I said that my agenda is to make schools more welcoming spaces for gay students – and that I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. She didn’t disagree, but rather said that I shouldn’t be so focussed on one issue. She suggested that I bring up ‘the gay thing’ too much during our tutorial. I was genuinely shocked by this because I feel like I don’t bring it up very often at all. When I do, it’s usually because my position as a homo informs the perspective I’m about to share on whatever topic is up for discussion. I responded that if I don’t bring it up, no one else will, and it needs to be discussed. Then it was time to go to math class. As we walked to class, I was feeling upset so I asked her if she still thought I brought up gay stuff too much in class. Her friend then entered the conversation and said that there is so much more to who I am than just being gay, and that I have lots of wonderful things to say about other topics and should share those, rather than just focusing on sexuality. And that was the end of the conversation. I do share my perspective on other things… I had a really hard time concentrating in math class, especially because I ended up sitting at the same table as these two people since there was no where else to sit.
The thing is, they are really nice people. And they said all these things with a kind tone. I want to be their friend. But the things they said made me feel like shit. I’ve started doubting myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have told that kid I’m gay. Maybe I do mention gay stuff too much. What the hell is wrong with me?!
Anyway, things got worse. In math class, we have decorated name plates that sit on our desks in front of us. One side of my name tag says Emily* and the other side says James. Although I’ve used this name privately since 2005, that name tag is the first time I’ve publicly shared my boy name. I just added it one day when I was bored and there were markers on the table. It felt good to be Emily*/James in public. Usually just the girls I date, and some of my close friends, know about ‘James.’ However, given my earlier conversation, I faced the James side towards me so that the two women wouldn’t see it. But then the guy who was sitting next to me said, “James? What is that, your last name?” I explained that it is my boy name, as though everyone has a boy name and it wasn’t a big deal. The women wanted to know what they should call me. I said I’m fine with either name, but they insisted that I tell them which one I preferred. I insisted that I honestly don’t have a preference, which is true. It would make me feel warm and fuzzy if someone called me James, though. At that moment, I felt anything but warm and fuzzy. I felt embarrassed. Maybe James shouldn’t go out in public.
After math class, I asked another girl in my program (who is also in my tutorial), if I could speak to her alone. I really needed to talk to someone and I thought she’d be a sympathetic ear. She was. We went into the fire escape stairwell and I told her what happened. I asked if I bring up gay stuff too much and she said she hadn’t noticed. I told her about how I told a seventh grader that I’m gay and she suggested that it’s not in my best career interests to do that since it goes against my principal’s wishes. She advised me to wait until I am officially a teacher before I disclose that to students. I think that’s good advice. Although it’s frustrating as hell.
Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong here.
*Names have been changed for privacy.
Filed under: Queer Activism, Teacher Education Program Tagged: | gay agenda, Queer Activism, student teacher
You’re doing a great job and your blog kicks ass. Keep sticking up for yourself and for equality because if the system feels bad to you, we know what it must feel like for a kid who’s just starting to question their gender identity/sexuality. The system needs more people willing to question the artificial gender role assignment’s reinforcement in the school system.
You are and always will be one of the smartest, strongest people i know. Dont doubt yourself. And dont let the opinions of others change you. You are perfect! Keep fighting for what you believe in because change starts with one. ill be hanging on your every word waiting for the next entry.
I’ll just pass on some advice that my good, wise friend Don used to tell me.
About five or six years ago now there was this guy who went on this sanitized homophobic rant at a student council AGM.
In response I pretty much “flew off the handle” according to one spectator and “created a palpable division in the room” according to another in attendance.
Immediately after I felt so embarassed and ashamed. I really thought I’d lost my cool and polluted a civil public forum with my own bullshit.
I think I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
But when I got home I got an email from someone who were there who thought I was absolutely right to say what I did.
You made me feel better!
You taught me that I should never be ashamed to speak out against homophobia
Oh yeah… I forgot to pass on Don’s advice when I was all worried about this and how I’d look in public the next day.
“Fuck ‘em!” he said. “Fuck ‘em? That’s all? I replied.
“Yeah! Fuck them, their dead aunt and the horse she rode in on!”
So… next time someone gives you grief just say “Fuck your dead aunt and the horse she rode in on!”
All of this goes to show that you absolutely DO belong there. I can understand why your classmates might feel uncomfortable, but they just need to suck it up. They’re not there to have fun, they’re there to become good teachers. Whether they like it or not, you’re helping them do that.
This entry makes me absolutely sure that you need to keep fighting the good fight. That girl who you spoke to sounds supportive! Go for a beer with her! And keep writing. You’re brilliant and I admire you very much. Ps. I trust you know I named myself after a place you slept!
hey….
I’m M’s friend who is the teacher, did my Master’s under C.R. We really need to talk.
I work with the BCTF on queer issues. You need to know how protected you are. There is nothing wrong with bringing your identity to school . In fact, the Chair of the VSB Trustees wrote a letter encouraging teachers to do so in the VSB.
I am not sure what district you are in, but 6 districts have specific policies on LGBTQ issues and being able to “be” your identity is definitely fine.
And what you wrote about “bringing it up to much” . Boring. Straights who are bothered by having to think for the first time about their privilege always throw that one out there. It’s not you. It’s them.
I know how isolating it can feel if education for a queer activist. But you know, you can network with others like us, as you are doing by this blog.
Please email me and let’s chat.
Cheers
David
Hey Queer Student Teacher,
This is a sad, sad tale. It’s sad because it shatters my belief that the world has changed since I went to school. And even more sad because I know what a kind, intelligent and gentle soul you are.
I can tell you with confidence that you are right and your classmates are wrong. I only know this because I too have had my fair share of arguments regarding my “gay agenda” and in retrospect I can’t believe I ever doubted myself. I shouldn’t have. Not even for a second.
So long as queer issues remain absent from the curriculum and people make comments like, “why do you always talk about being gay” all of us queers and queer friendly folk need to have a Gay Agenda and not be apologetic about having one. Shove it down their throats because this may be the only opportunity these people have to learn about queer issues. Lucky for them, you’re a very patient and articulate spokesperson. I’m not sure I’d have the patience anymore.
Keep up the good fight and a big thanks for addressing these issues.
Don’t ever forget that you have friends that understand and support you.
Dave