My practicum is over, and I returned to classes at my university on Monday. Our new instructor asked us to wear name tags, so I wrote ‘James’ on mine and put it on my shirt. I got some rude stares and snickers and when we had to introduce ourselves to everyone, people awkwardly laughed at me when I introduced myself as James. Bear in mind, these are the same 30 people I have been in class with everyday since September. The same people who saw my James nameplate in Math class, the same people who studied transgender issues in December, the same people who have seen me refuse to identify as male or female on my course evaluations, or dance in the ‘female role’ in gym. The people who have seen me wear men’s clothing and short hair every day and not shave my legs and armpits. So it shouldn’t have been surprising when this week, my name tag said James on it. I thought.
Today, I raised my hand to answer a question and the instructor called on me using the name ‘James.’ A student who sat a couple of seats over from me snorted “James!” and looked over at two other women who have given me a difficult time at earlier points in the year. They smirked. I said, “what?” And she said incredulously, “Well yesterday you were **** and today you are James?” I said that I have used the name James since the beginning of the year. She said, “Well what are you going to be tomorrow? Eagle?” I repeated the word “Eagle” with confusion. Then I muttered “I can’t believe this.” I looked from the instructor to the student and back again, confused. Bewildered. Embarrassed. Tears started to fill my eyes and I tried to fight them back and say what I had wanted to say, back when I raised my hand in the first place. She said, “What?” as if shocked by my emotion. I needed to get out of there, so I stood up, said “I’m not mad at you, but I need to leave.” And I left. Then I burst into tears. Two other students came out to the hall to comfort me, which was sweet. Shortly thereafter, the teacher came out and asked what she could do. I said I didn’t know, but I wasn’t coming back to class. So someone brought me my stuff and I left. I couldn’t eat lunch because I felt like I was going to puke. I returned for the afternoon class. People awkwardly looked at me and then looked away. And I had to introduce myself again, since we had a guest speaker. So I said again, ‘my name is James.’ No one laughed this time.
After class, I spoke to one of the profs in charge of the program. I told her what happened in the morning. We decided that tomorrow morning, I will address the whole class. I’ll explain that James was the name my mom had chosen for me if I had been identified as male on the day I was born. I started using the name James and identifying as male privately, with select people, in 2005. I’ve increasingly come out more publicly as James, at times when I felt safe doing so. After all this time, I felt like this class knew me, and understood trans issues, and would still treat me with respect, if I was James. I don’t mind if people sometimes refer to me by my other name, but I want people to respect that James is also a significant part of my identity.
I think that’s what I’ll say – I have to think it through and plan it out tonight. Hopefully, after all that, my fellow students will finally get it.
Filed under: Gender, Teacher Education Program Tagged: | transgender
people are stupid