As a student teacher on a budget, I use public transit nearly every day. Buses are awkward spaces to occupy because you are usually jammed uncomfortably close to all kinds of people you don’t know. I tend to get a lot of glares, scowls, death stares and the like from young men and old ladies. Once I was roughly shoved and another time, a guy made a comment to me that prompted the bus driver to pull over and kick him off the bus.
I follow all the rules of bus etiquette regarding backpacks, cell phones, giving up your seat, and not being smelly. This leads me to the conclusion that they are glaring, scowling, death staring, and shoving because of my gender expression. So when I ride the bus to school or to my practicum, my senses are on high-alert.
I was coming home from practicum today on the subway when I could hear the annoying hum of an electronic melody that just wouldn’t stop. I thought someone must be playing a videogame without headphones and managed to ignore it. After a few minutes of this, some guy lost his patience and yelled “Your fucking cell phone is ringing, asshole!” A tension-filled silence hung in the air after the cell phone ringer was switched off. I glanced back to spot the man with the rage issues and hoped he wouldn’t end up sitting near me. Thankfully, he didn’t sit near me. He got off at the same stop as me, though. And he decided to ride up three stories on the escalator standing beside me (in the walking lane), talking to me the whole time like he knew me. He talked to me like I was a fellow male.
I know when straight men are relating to me as a man because they use words like “buddy,” “dude,” or “man”, speak with a certain tone and ‘insider’ humour, and use a certain body language that is different from when they think I am female and are either condescending or flirtatious. It feels like I’ve gained access to the all-exclusive league of men. Normally, I love this feeling because it means I’ve passed.
But this time, riding that escalator, I was scared shitless of what would happen if this creepy man with rage issues realized I wasn’t quite what he thought. There’s nothing quite like the dysphoria that takes over the face of cisgender folks when they realize they were interacting with you as though you were male only to discover you are actually someone quite different than they thought. Some get embarrassed and apologetic. Others get downright disgusted. The cell phone ordeal gave me a pretty clear clue of what kind of reaction this guy would have. If I could just make it up the three flights of stairs without giving away the secret of my feminine voice, I was pretty certain there wouldn’t be an issue. He cracked weird jokes, and I smirked and nodded where I should have laughed. Where responses were required, I mumbled a few words from as far back in my throat as I could manage. We made it to the exit of the station and, lucky me, when we parted he was none the wiser. I felt like I’d dodged a bullet. Maybe nothing would have happened. Who knows? Sometimes the not-knowing can be almost as scary as the knowing full-well.
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